Jokes and funny pics

WORLD'S BIGGEST LIARS

  1. The check is in the mail.
  2. I'll respect you in the morning.
  3. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
  4. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
  5. My wife doesn't understand me.
  6. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
  7. Of course I love you.
  8. I am getting a divorce.
  9. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
  10. I never watch television except for PBS.
  11. ...but we can still be good friends.
  12. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
  13. I'll call you later.
14. I've never done anything like this before.
15. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth.
  16. Yes, I did.

IF GOD WAS A WOMAN

1. Sex would smell like chocolate.
2. Dogs would smell spring fresh.
3. Babies would come from vending machines.
4. Men would be born with a permanent erection.
5. All women would have the same size breasts.
6. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE.
7. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch.
8. Every man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife.
9. Men would come with software to be custom designed.
10. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by wife.
11. Men would have built in lie detector on forehead for instant verification of truth.
12. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds.

Tongue twister See if you can do this . Read each line aloud it's Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister ...
  This is this cat
  This is is cat
  This is how cat
  This is to cat
  This is keep cat
  This is a cat
  This is dumbass cat
  This is busy cat
  This is for cat
  This is forty cat
  This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha can't resist from passing it on...

THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD

     How does one achieve 100 percent in life?
  Begin by noting the following.
  IF: A = 1, B = 2, etc., Y = 25, Z = 26

  Then:
  H A R D W O R K =
  8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = only 98 percent

  Similarly,
  K N O W L E D G E =
  11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = only 96 percent

  But interesting (and as you'd expect),
  A T T I T U D E =
  1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100 percent
  That is how you achieve 100 percent in life.

  But EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY:
  B U L L S H I T =
  2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103 percent

  So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100 percent!

Believe it or not

-A snail can sleep for three years. All Polar bears are left-handed.
-A person hitting his head against the wall consumes 150 calories/hour

-Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
-Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

-If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
-More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
-On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
-Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
-Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
-Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
-The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

-The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter in the English language.

-The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
-The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
-Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
-You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
-You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world

(NEW)

In a science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

(NEW) The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago.

2. Good: Your wife is not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She is a Lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your spouse and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a gun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Uglier: She makes more money than you do!

(NEW)

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:

Red............cherry
Yellow........lemon
Green........lime
Orange.....orange

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few minutes none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well"' he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother might sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"